How To Find A Great Relationship

Jun 6 2011

Hey Mitch,

How do you know when your relationship is just weird, or one where you should run?!

My buddies go through relationships so fast – Always falling for someone who is “hot”, cute, seems nice.. But within months or a couple of years, it’s another one that “didn’t work out”.  One keeps hooking up with guys who “just aren’t right for me”; the other ends up with these like seriously dysfunctional nutcases!

 Then there’s me: Doin it all!  One great woman suddenly decides she’s “still in love with my ex”; one turned desperate, then stalked me after we broke up; a few that were really OK – just one of us didn’t feel “the magic”.  This is killing me, bro!

 I’m not loving this dating person after person thing.  My pals and I just want to find someone great we can go long-term with!  The three of us have been best friends for over ten years now, so we do “Beer ‘N Bitch” nights and often the bitch is “Why can’t we find someone normal to have a serious relationship with?!”

  Help a brother here, Mitch.

 Thanks.  And great column! 

Gotta Move Forward

Temecula, California

 *~*

Dear Moving Forward,

    “I just broke up with her, and the last thing she says?.. “You’ll never find anyone like ME again!”.. God, I sure hope not!

 

 First, remind yourself that SOME of what you and your two pals are experiencing is similar… Meanwhile, MUCH of your experiences are unique to your individual personalities. 

   • It is very important to have a “circle of closeness” –Family, friends, associates who care about you, and whose advice you trust.  If you aren’t discussing any truly “personal stuff” with anyone, then you’re losing out!… You’re not allowing others to contribute to you (thus degrading them, to some degree), and you’re missing a big piece of the Point of Life!

   • Paradoxically, we also each inhabit a unique experience.  Comparison to others’ lives and experiences cannot ever be thoroughly accurate!   “Until you’ve walked in another man’s moccasins”… No two lives are identical. 

 So, do continue the “bitch” sessions with your friends, as long as it’s processing toward a positive end.  Just complaining without a positive intent  keeps us mired in the “bitch”…Adapt a goal goal of learning and moving on!

 So, finding The Great Partner

  ^ “Dysfunctional” is a very fluid, subjective and generally judgmental term.  What’s “dysfunctional” in one way is always “functional” in another!

    • So, one of your challenges is to determine what, for YOU are “dysfunctional” patterns, habits or beliefs that hold little or a lot of meaning for you.  If you’re looking for a perfect human being, you’re seriously out of luck, dude.  Can you handle if your partner’s, oh, like a little OCD?!  What if she/he has “unreasonable fears” like of spiders or heights?!  Something has to be OK, if you want a real human as your partner!

    •  And, believe it or not, our “functional/dysfunctional” elements are actually symptoms!  We don’t interrupt others, perpetually arrive late or avoid public toilets because those are characteristics of our core selves!  We do these things because we’re trying to survive and thrive in such a diverse, confusing world full of challenges.

 

      What are CORE characteristics in others (consistent, reflective of who the person is throughout their life) that you deeply respect and/or appreciate?

       What are CORE characteristics in others that you feel you want in a partner – Prioritize these characteristics with a “ranking”!  And, do you seek the same thing in a casual partner that you do for a long-term relationship?!

  Symptoms suggest characteristics.  Meanwhile, you and I know people with similar symptoms and very differing characteristics!  For example, say you have two friends who experience anxiety,.  One may have just a little anxiety, but his/her core characteristics make the anxiety problematic.  Another’s core characteristics can make even severe anxiety a mere inconvenience!

 

We’re doomed to repeat the patterns we don’t choose to learn from!

    What’s the lesson you’re seeking by entering those relationships?!  Until you learn something about yourself, you will continue to attract similar people (believe it or not)!  Most people need a hand from someone like me – a Relationship Coach.  Others can do this on their own..

 Finally, remind yourself that perhaps you and your friends are simply meant to find great love a little later than you wish!  ..Or, you may discover that true love has passed right by you without your recognition!

 Start with loving yourself.. Then, family and friends.. From this focus and practice, your great Partner may arrive.

 

Namaste’

Mitch


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