What's a girl to do?

Apr 26 2008

Dear Mitch,

I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for almost three years now, living together for the past 14 months. Over the past six months, however, I’m noticing I’m getting kind of turned by some of the things “Steve” and I fight about… and I’m having major feelings for my best friend “Joe”!

I’ve told Steve about my feelings for Joe, hoping he’d get why I’m feeling alienated from Steve. Steve’s sadness at learning about my feelings for Joe moved me – I truly care for this man after three years, Mitch… But Steve wants to be a photographer and a childrens’ books writer. Joe has the drive for something more, and I want a family man and someone who can contribute financially.

I’ve told Joe I love him, and I spend tons of time with Joe because he treats me better than Steve ever has. But, I worry about Steve. He’s not too social, and if he’s not with me, he doesn’t seem like the type to date again. At least Joe can find someone else later.

Please help! I’ve been pondering this for the past six months!

Foolish & Fretting
Stockton

Hey Fretting,

I bet a lot of your friends have been in this spot!!

When we’re feeling overwhelmed and struggling to sort through “stuff”, best to break it down into manageable pieces…

° Take that D-E-E-E-E-P breath… And a couple more… Then…

° Pretend you’re looking at three people you don’t know. Allow none of them to be “bad”; all to be “normal
people trying to find their way through life”!

° Write down what, for you, are the elements of a “good relationship”… Maybe include: Trust, Affection,
Commitment to stick with it; fun; good sex… – Whatever are truly important to YOU!

° Are you finding that, when you and Steve are both present (not off spending lots of time with another love
interest) those elements are/were present?

• If Steve & you did have those elements, time to first look at yourself for “what happened”… Maybe,
deep down, you really always knew that Steve wasn’t “the right one”…

• If Steve & you didn’t have those elements, time to first look at yourself for “why did I accept that”?
Maybe you just needed to have a little fun back then, or maybe you weren’t ready for “the real thing”!

• Don’t seek a “right” or “wrong” person in this. Seek insight into yourself – your motivations, needs,
expectations and values.

° You know deep down that you’re not giving the relationship with Steve what it needs to succeed by carrying on
with Joe.

° BOTH Joe and Steve will live without you! They get to make choices about any loss of relationship with you,
and about their lives. You’re only responsible for your actions in and out of the relationship(s)!

° Examine what “LOVE” is to you… What’s “unconditional love”.. “commitment”..?

… You’ll have your answers if you truly take those steps!.. You’ve started the process to learn here – don’t step out – STAY ENGAGED IN YOUR LIFE!

~ Namasté ~


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